Let’s Learn as We Go…
Like many children of immigrant parents, living with grandma was simply a norm. While mom and dad were busy building a life that met all of our needs, grandma was there to walk us to/from school, offer snacks, make dinner, do laundry, and take care of the everyday moments. My brother and I grew to know what made my grandma laugh, and what would make her angry… and best of all, when she feigned anger and ended up giggling anyways. My childhood was made infinitely richer because of her.
As an adult, I look back, and have thought much of her self-sacrifice. To leave the hustle and bustle of Hong Kong, where she knew everything - language, her friends, her preferred foods and shops, her way of life - to come to a foreign land in an isolating suburb of Toronto. But never once did she make us feel inferior to the life she left behind.
When it came time for my grandma to rely on us, it was not even up for debate. We would do everything we can, however we can to help her age gracefully, with dignity, knowing that she was loved. We would honour her choices - in fact, we would give her as many viable options as possible. And upon the last few months of her life, when she could no longer coherently speak and her mind fuzzy, we would simply show up and express our care however we can - through foot rubs, hugs and prayer.
When I try to imagine forward what life might be like should my parents ever be in the same place of need - how would we navigate? For instance, I know full well my parents' strong preference for independence. They don't want to be a burden, and they've worked hard all their lives so they can take care of themselves. This I appreciate, because it is both out of love, as well as out of their own sense of individuality. Meanwhile, is there a middle ground where family co-living makes sense as a proactive choice vs. a reactive choice (triggered by crisis)? With some imagination, can we consider other forms of co-living and what might that look like? May it include my brother and his family as well? How might we find ways to integrate?
Extending the scenario further into my own aging process, what would it be like for my son to take care of two elderly parents? We had Joshua when I turned 35, which means by the time I hit my 70s, he may be in a similar, formative stage - building his family, his career, and his own life. What options may work as my definition of family morphs beyond the traditional nuclear family, to include my aging parents, and perhaps down the road when my son may choose (or not) to include us again?
These are the burning questions I have, and it led to me to wonder if others share the same curiosity? What's out there in terms of best practices, research, lived experience so we can learn from each other? How might we advocate for government support where it is appropriate and needed? It's for these reasons that we felt inspired to start this online community. There are no right or wrong answers - only mindful choices. May we learn from each other, and may we encourage one another, and build each other up.